Don't. When...

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 05:00:24 GMT

When the phone is no longer rings remember the words you spoke.

When all you see his his back, remember the words you spoke.

Be strong. Let go for yourself and understand there are just some things you can not change. As much as you want to embrace, keep your arms at bay and remember the words he spoke.

Live on. Be the best you can be and understand there are just some things you can not change. As much as you want to cry, don't shed a tear. Keep your fears at bay and remember the words you spoke.

Forget the love you thought you knew and go on to love anew. Don't lose your heart. Remember this end begins anew. Just don't follow your heart. Remember the words we spoke and don't start.

The things you want to do. Just say no. The only way to heal is to let him go. Don't reminiscence but do not forget. Don't hope and wish or live life in regret. It's time to start anew. Forget what you thought you knew. Just don't follow your heart. You've known this from the start.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:42:29 GMT

There is so much I need to get off my chest! What am I going to do? I wish I had the strength and the answers. I can't stop thinking about how unhappy I am with Pierre in so many ways and weighing it with how happy I am other times. God what do I do? I am frustrated. I am confused. I don't want to rock the boat, not just yet. I need to sit back and decided strategically what I am going to do. How will I devise a plan to get me out of this terrible situation.

It isn't even so much that I want to leave him. I want to love him, but with this wall up there is no penetration. Speaking of penetration... I can't look at him the same knowing he's been such a liar and a cheat. You can remove a zebra's stripes and he's definitely a zebra. He just doesn't feel the same way I do and I'm not sure I feel anything anymore. He's a good man and a great guy to date at first, but he's not husband material. He can be, but just doesn't want to right now. He's not mature enough. He wants to play. His business is to talk to people, make contacts, and negotiate deals with other ppl's money. I'm frightened of the man I've chosen. I'm frightened he will just play until his luck runs out and honestly, I never was a gambler and don't find it that titillating. Even so, my instinct want to trust him and put all my eggs in one basket with this man and just believe that he will make it happen. I believe no matter what for himself, he will. For me... not so much.

I am giving him pussy on a regular, cooking, doing anything he asks or needs, carrying his baby, none of which I would mind, if he wasn't always treating me like I was a job, an inconvenience, a bother, an annoyance. Sometimes, he makes me feel so insecure about trusting him. I simply can't. He is not loyal, he is not empathetic to those closest to him, and he is sneaky, and guiltless. Even when I know the truth and ask him, I just watch him lie. This is a character defect. He has never been loyal. He ran away from home with his mom, Nina, and me. He's lived with several girls in his lifetime and he always says how he's used to a woman this and that taking care of herself and all that stuff, but if he lived off of women and their families for a long time (including his own sister) and was never grateful to them and left all of them without a care, then what makes me think I'm any different.

He cheated on Nina while she was pregnant. And I know he's been fucking her since we've been together. I don't want to live like this or with someone like this. I am growing so much disdain and hatred in my heart. I am turning cold. He says I should fake it... cause he does. He says he loves me... he's just not in love with me. He says, all types of hurtful mean things and maintains that it's the truth. I can't live like this anymore. I can't deal with this again in my life. I want someone who can appreciate me for me with all my flaws and help me to survive myself and overcome my battles with caring, understanding, just a simple hand. I don't get the same comfort that he wants from me. I get tired of giving something I barely ever receive. I mean when it gets to the point a woman can't even tell a men she wants to get laid without him getting angry and tell her that's not the way she's going to get it, and he doesn't like to be pursued, blah blah blah... wtf? He is so stupid and that is so lame. Then a week later he whips his dick out on the couch and pouts until I finally give him some. What a joke. It's like dealing with a little kid. Or a teenage boy somewhere between wanting to be treated like a man without having the responsibilities and being able to still act like a child.

I am so over it. I will always love him. I will. It will get easier with time, but I know I can not change him. I can not make him want to be a better man for me. He will only see me through his distorted judgemental perception of what I'm supposed to be and what I am lacking instead of appreciating me for what I am. It's a shame. He loses the good he ought to have and so do I and the kids, but he believes that history repeats itself no matter what and he is determined to prove himself right. I am no angel and there is plenty of blame to go around. Still, it is pretty obvious that he doesn't love me and there is no reason for me to beat my head against tables, shout at the top of my lungs, punch, kick, and then roll over and cry alone anymore. I am so tired of being the victim. Much of which is my own fault. I have allowed too much and not stood up for myself. I must stand up for me. I am sleeping with the enemy and pretending to love someone who can not be trusted. He is not at all the person he put on to be when we first started this affair. After years of hearing he doesn't want to make it work. He doesn't want me. Blah blah blah... I guess I just can't ignore it anymore. No matter how many times he tries to take it back. It never comes back. The love never comes back. It always gets a little more scattered a little more broken in the wind's changing direction. I am all cried out and all dried out of love. It still hurts and I hope it won't forever, but he makes it easier. Even when he's sweet like honey, I can't forget how he really feels, what he's really doing when he's alone, who he's really fucking on the slick, what he's really been up to all the while.

He is a con artist. He uses his false confidence to win people over and once he does he's over you and on to the next. The prize is already won and like he's told me... I'm no prize. Not to him anyway, but then again how would he know a prize anyway. I love being me. Fucked up crazy ass me. Yup!

I am so much stronger than him in soooo many ways. He has so many great qualities I love and I dote and I put him first and I forget how fucking fabulous I am despite all the messed up shit he tells me about myself. Even when he says I can not make lasting friendships, I have no friends, I'm not worth this and no good for that... I gotta be strong and remember that I am better that. I am so much better than that!

I don't want to fake. I don't want to play these games anymore. I'm searching for a real love. Someone who can love. I need a partner. I need a man. Fuck what he needs anymore. I have listened to all the things he wants me to be, how I should be, what would make me better, etc and every now and then I'll get a pat on the job, a word of encouragement like 'see you have potential' thanks asshole. I'm am so over loving someone like that. That is not the way to love. He has done nothing but dogged me since day one... then why the hell is he always barking up my tree. If I'm so damn useless. I'm just tired of being treated like shit. Ignored. He puts down the phone on me when I'm speaking, he tells me straight up he wants me to follow behind him; to walk happily in his shadow! ha I thinks not! Try again. Go back and get your fat, ugly bitch, you love so much. She'll fit better in your shadow. His ego is bigger than our love and it's about time mine was. I know he tries. He tries sometimes and not others. Sometimes he thinks he loves me... he thinks he's ready to be a better man and then he goes back to self centered pre pubescent teen mode and acts like a total asshole and says anything he can think of to hurt me because that I think, turns him on more than anything. He gets hard when I feel the most uncomfortable. He loves to put me up against a wall... it makes him feel so big and so strong something he's not had enough of in his life.

He's just an insecure boy who I am trying to love for no reason except I love him and his retarded behind more than I ever want to admit another day in my life. He takes advantage of me, my loyalty, my devotion, my openness, and willingness to sacrifice. I have to protect myself or else no one will.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:26:03 GMT

Today has been a blessed day; satisfaction is appropriate... as I sit here watching MSNBC and feeling an annoying cold coming on, I am calmed by clarity of thought.

I hope I do not get sick. I went to Red Lobster and now I feel... ugh! Bubble guts...

dancinthru1life

Don't. When...